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Remember a long time ago when Oprah lost a bunch of weight and then rolled out the pounds of fat she lost in a Radio Flyer wagon on her show and told the world the miracle of how she lost the weight by starving herself sticking to a liquid diet? Despite the fact that she gained all of it back basically the next day (since CLEARLY you can’t lose 67 pounds in a matter of weeks unless you’re on the Biggest Loser eating disordered), juice fasts have been popular ever since. I blame Gwyneth Paltrow. Bitch.

But just like running a marathon or watching a football game, doing a juice “cleanse” has never really appealed to me. I looked at it as a way to lose (water) weight fast to fit into an age-inappropriate dress for a high school reunion or something, which, I mean, let’s face it, wouldnt apply to me anyway since my body type is still that of a perky, hipless 16-year-old. SHUT UP, YES IT IS!!!!!!!!!!!

And then, during my Whole Foods ritual of defensive cart-pushing (you have to be on the lookout for distracted shoppers!), I spied a bottle of something delicious looking: Cashew milk with agave and vanilla bean. The label said “Blueprint” and had a pretty blue lid. I nearly put the bottle in my cart before rushing to beat the lady with the cart overflowing with frozen Amy’s meals and “Organic” potato chips before I realized the drink came with an $11 price tag! If I’m paying over $10 for a beverage, it better make me drunk or beautiful, or both, and as far as I could tell, it definitely wasnt going to make me drunk.

Despite the fact that I considered $11 superfluous for one beverage, I couldnt stop thinking about it. Curious, I took to the ol’ internet to see if anyone else had seen these pricey little drinks. And that’s when it all changed.

Blueprint is actually a NYC-based cold-pressed juice cleanse company. Like, all they do is make juices that are supposed to clean your system out (read: pee and poop) and give your digestive system a rest to re-energize the rest of your body, and even help you lose weight. An $11 juice that makes me beautiful?? Tell me more! They offer a few different cleanse systems that can be delivered right to your door for however long you want. So, if you want to do a mini-cleanse, pick the three day option. If you wanna do the Gwynnie “I’m Better Than You” cleanse, pick the 6 day option. And so on. They also started selling their juices through Whole Foods to make more money them more accessible to the masses, which is nice so you don’t have to pay the $40 overnight shipping.

In case you arent catching on, this shit’s expensive! We’re talking nearly $200 for a three-day cleanse. Did you know you could just starve yourself for free??? But despite my better judgment, I’m intrigued. The juices actually sound good (pineapple, apple, mint? Um, delicious!) and I’m really curious about this whole giving your digestive system a rest thing. Would I actually feel more energized if my pipes were empty? Could I really reallocate that energy to something like working out or judging people?? 

For those of you about to say something asinine like “okay, but just make your own juices!” BLASPHEMY!!! No, but seriously, there’s like 6 cups of kale in just ONE of the 6 daily juices…and that’s only one of the ingredients. So, the grocery items needed to make each juice would clearly be no more cost effective than buying the pre-made cleanse. Right??

So, I’m curious Cupcult—should I do this cleanse? The few people Ive spoken with that have done it already have nothing but great things to say (so far Ive learned that they didnt feel hungry because they drank so much and that it doesnt make your pee turn weird colors), but I’m curious if any of you have ever done this or another cleanse. How did it go? What should I know before doing a cleanse? Did yours make your pee turn weird colors??? I’m very concerned about this. I need answers!!